the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
