I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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