Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
