Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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