I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
