I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
