I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
