Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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