so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
