I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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