True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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