I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
