Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
