in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
