dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
