I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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