we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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