you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
