she was so not down for the gang bang
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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