The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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