Your mouth is God's brothel.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
