insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
