I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
