I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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