Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
