I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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