We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
