K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Pooping to opera.
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