Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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