the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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