if i can run in heels then i can drive
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
