I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
there's paper in my vomit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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