I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
