I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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