She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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