mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
