peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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