giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
