My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
