I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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