how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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