It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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