So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
