I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
