Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
