Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
