He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize