I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize