I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
