....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
