I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
