Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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