just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
