The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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