I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
what the fuck happened to the tacos
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize