You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
