Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize