Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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