just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
