Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
