so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
