And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
