You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
