You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
