Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
