Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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