happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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