i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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