somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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