he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
